I am not an inspiration – there, I said it
I’ve just come home from a wonderful weekend away with my blogging buddies.
I was on a total high. Everything was going so well. Then I got a message. One measly message has put me from cloud 9 to rock bottom in T -9 seconds.
This always happens and I hate myself for letting it happen. I am too sensitive for my own good and I know it.
I’m one of those people that gets nervous about being happy because there is always something around the corner to scupper it. And that’s just sad.
I try so hard to be positive
I write mostly positive posts – hell I am an inspiration…. Yet I feel like a fraud because I’m not. I’m really not. Right now I am typing through tears because I am just so very sad.
I don’t deal with “stuff” very well. By stuff I don’t mean day-to-day living. THAT I can cope with. I can get out of bed and function. No, I mean the big, important stuff. Like death, being ill and feelings *shudder*. That stuff gets shoved in a box in my brain never to be seen again. Until the box starts to overflow, the lid pops up and it spills out into my day-to-day life.
Frankly, I am a fuckwit
I should have counselling, I KNOW that. But I don’t have the time or money for it. 6 or 8 sessions will do the sum total of bugger all and I hate that feeling of being left vulnerable and alone.
There are so many issues I don’t know where to start. Being faced with my own mortality, the death of so many loved ones, the sense of abandonment. The feeling of never being *quite* good enough.
I was so proud that when I heard I was a finalist in the BiB awards
Especially as it was raising awareness for Crohn’s. But no one seems to care. Britmums suggest telling local papers so the can run a story – I emailed and had no reply. I even emailed and tweeted Crohns & Colitis UK. Nothing. Of course people are busy, but, I don’t know. I just thought maybe someone might actually give a shit.
Even some friends that I thought would be supportive haven’t been (some have been fab by the way, before you hate me too!). I mean, all you have to do is share the post – it doesn’t cost anything. I just want people to be proud of me. I am a 41-year-old woman who, as it turns out, is still as needy as she was in her teens. FFS
So, here I sit
Beating myself up over everything. The state of my house, the state of my life, the state of my body, my mind. I hate how I think I have a handle on everything and it just comes crashing down. I feel like a failure and a fool for allowing myself to be happy. And most of all I do not feel like an inspiration.
Despite the fact I feel like a fraud if you do fancy voting for my mardy arse the link is below (I need all the help I can get and am quite uncomfortable with all this self promotion). And now it looks like I wrote this to get votes. STOP OVERTHINKING THINGS, WOMAN!