You may have noticed that I love Christmas but it wasn’t always the case
Christmas always makes me emotional and reflect on the past and make plans for the future.
Christmas wasn’t always great when I was little. I spent a few Christmases sat at the bottom of the stairs, by the front door, waiting for a card or present from my father. It never arrived. He left when I was seven, younger than Big L is now. The last time I was supposed to see him was on Boxing Day, he never arrived and that was that for 20 odd years. Nothing for my 18th, 21st or 30th.
It must have been heartbreaking for my mum to watch her little girl so sad. Wondering why Daddy didn’t love her?
Looking back I pity that little girl. I don’t feel like I’m looking back at myself at all.
I did speak to him in recent years and he had many excuses as to why he didn’t pay maintenance or not make contact over the years. None of them quite cut the mustard. Excuses, lies, whatever.
At the end of the day he had another child to whom he was a good father. That is a bit of a kick in the proverbials to be honest but I’m glad he was for her sake.
If you have children that you don’t see for whatever reason, put some money aside for them, write them letters each birthday and Christmas.
You don’t have to send them but give them to them when they’re old enough or come looking for you. That way they’ll know you were thinking of them all those years and know you’re not taking bollocks.
This is why I love Christmas so much and try to make it as magical as possible for my children. I’ve had my fair share of sad Christmases, Christmases following the death of a loved one and they’re hard. Seeing everyone else so happy when you’re missing someone so terribly. My heart goes out to you.
So when I gush about how much I love Christmas it’s not because I’m overly privileged and every one has been wonderful. No, it’s because I have known miserable Christmases.
This year is the first year I know I won’t get a card or present from my father. I can be sure as he died earlier this year. I’ve written a post about the death of an absent parent but that can wait for another day. For now I’m going to enjoy this Christmas with my amazing children and family. Savouring the magic for my children because it doesn’t last forever. Or maybe it does?
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