Dear Driver of the Black Volvo (registration withheld because I’m not that much of an arse, although you clearly are)
I do hope you made it to your destination in plenty of time. I’d hate to think that we may have made you a second late for whatever important life event you were attending, or getting your shopping at Sainsburys. Whichever it was you were clearly in a hurry.
We certainly welcomed the *beep* you graced us with as we reached the island and you zoomed past practically clipping my ankles. Of course slowing down was beneath you. I understand that a woman pushing a pushchair and helping a small boy over the road is an inconvenience, we were put in your way to get on your nerves. Never mind that the small boy had just fallen over and was limping. You wouldn’t have noticed that, not at the speed you were going (it is a 30 mile an hour limit by the way but I suspect that doesn’t apply to you).
So, Dear Driver of the Black Volvo, I apologise for our existence. I’m sorry if by crossing the road where we did in any way darkened your otherwise delightful day. Next time maybe just slow down, it would only have added an extra second to your journey and would have saved me the effort of writing this convoluted letter. We could have both carried on enjoying our day (although I suspect you probably don’t enjoy your days much, unless you’re getting angry at women pushing pushchairs). You know what else ? Some people actually stop to let mere mortals cross the road, in that exact spot. In fact it happens most days. It’s not even a zebra crossing. I know! How absurd!
Anyway, Dear Driver of the Black Volvo, I wish you a happy weekend and hope no pensioners with sticks or, heaven forbid, people in wheelchairs slow you down.
ps I hope it wasn’t just a friend bibbing to say hello as I may have mouthed some obscenities at you