The 5 greatest mysteries of the internet

Hello it’s Monsieur Incidental. You will find below my humble contribution to this blog, in which I will expose the 5 greatest mysteries of the internet. Sounds good doesn’t it? Don’t expect enlightenment, just a quick trip around the daily nonsense you can find online. It will not become clearer as you read on, just so you know. You might on the other hand understand why I and the esteemed writer of the blog chose to spend our lives together though.

1) The clickbaity title:
Our first one, and already a big part of everyday internet browsing. When I use the term clickbait, I mean my very own headline of course, but also and more importantly, those articles about a miraculous diet or whatever important life lesson, or pearl of wisdom, a very ordinary person shat out today. Usually found anywhere if your adblocker isn’t on. Big flashy letters. Stock picture of a person looking reaaally surprised. Read all about it. It could be someone you know. YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT. CLICK ON MY LINK OR I WON’T BE ABLE TO AFFORD MY RENT. What do you know, we learnt nothing today. Nevermind, maybe the next incredible article will be worthwhile. Why oh why did we choose to click? Yes it’s a mystery. Told you. It’s all about mysteries today. Or is it? Dun Dun DUUUUUNN.

2) That weird comment to a post:
No, not the one full of the usual amount of swearing and racist nonsense. Frankly they’re getting boring by now, we’ve been on the internet forever, and no amount of “shit” or “fuck” in your reply will distract anyone. In fact, I think what’s truly shocking nowadays is when someone actually writes something coherent or vaguely related to the topic in question. I’m talking about those random comments that stop mid sentence, the ones that are written With A Capital On Each Word. For some reason they really make me do a double take. Who wrote this? A sentient toaster? Your cat when it jumped on the keyboard? We’ll never know. This is to me where madness stops and plain weird surreal shit begins. It’s not hatred or ignorance, it’s just something else coming from the unknown. That’s the second greatest mystery of internet, and what gave me the idea for this post.

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Steve loves Facebook

3) Begging for likes on social media:
Yes Jimmy’s dad wants to stop smoking. Aww. But Jimmy’s dad, we’ll call him Steve for convenience, has decided that he will only stop smoking IF his kid gets enough likes or retweets or whatever. So off you go Jimmy, get your bit of cardboard and your black marker , write down your plea on your kitchen table full of empty packets of Marlboro and let’s fuckin go. What’s the virtual ransom this time? Five thousand likes and Steve will kick the nasty tobaccy? We’re good people on social media , or at least we work hard enough to appear like decent human beings, so of course Jimmy will get the likes, and daddy Steve will stop smoking. Or maybe not. Who knows. Who’s to say he will ever stop smoking? Is it just a scam to sell more cardboard and black markers ? Sounds like a mystery to me, and yes, that’s the third one.

4) Phishing e-mails:
It’s not only poorly written sales pitches for crates of dodgy sex pills and counterfeit Rolex now landing in our inboxes, it’s those nasty made-up bills from a very serious sounding company. I guess something has to improve over time on the Internet, sadly for us it’s scamming tactics. Thankfully they generally fuck up the source e-mail address and miss or add a letter, so it’s not impossible to detect their attempts. That, or it is flagged as spam, and ends up in the same folder as that really urgent e-mail you were supposed to deal with last week. “Please pay within 48 hours or else”. I don’t owe you money buddy. Piss off, get a decent job, you’ll get to send hideously expensive invoices to some unfortunate souls in your new line of work. Why do you still try to scam me, what did I ever do to you? There we go, another mystery down.

5) Singles in your area:
We’re on to our last mystery. I know, time flies, but don’t worry, I’ve saved the best for last. You don’t to have to browse too far before whatever website gleefully informs you that there are “singles in your area” through a lovely bit of pop-up advertisement. Generally hot singles, as depicted with a picture of some thirty year old (yes it’s usually a blonde woman, what can I say) with a nice bright shiny smile. Well, I’m sorry, I’m 33, I’ve got two kids, and honestly I can’t be fucked with any of that bullshit dating anymore. If you’re in my area anyway, hot single or not, you probably saw me wandering around in Crocs one day and never looked back. I can’t blame you. Why would you bother your arse ?

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