Ten things I wish I’d known before children?
There are soooo may things I wish I had known before I decided to dip my toe in the water of parenthood. Little did I know once you have dipped your toe in, you’re up to your neck in (sh)it.
See, the thing is. Before you have kids you think you know better. Your kid will eat organic veg and sleep through the night. They won’t watch television, and definitely wont have a tablet. What were we thinking?
So, batten down the hatches bitches, you’re in for a bumpy ride.
Oh my god sleep
You have absolutely no idea what being sleep deprived is until you have a baby – unless you were trained in matters of torture by the KGB.
I have vague recollections of lying on the sofa with Big L in a vibrating bouncer (him not me). Watching his little eyes start to close, dropping off myself and then seconds later him crying. This went on for 6 months. I appreciate we were very lucky it only lasted for 6 months but it damn near killed me.
I used to enjoy lying on a sunbed all day and drinking cocktails by night. Forget it! Unless you have friends or relatives that will look after your little darlings while you are away this ain’t happening.
And, once they are over 5 they legally have to be educated. If you don’t home school then you have to take them on holiday during school holidays – unless you win the lottery you’re pretty much screwed.
3. The school run
I shit you not, this is the single worst part about being a parent. I can deal with poo and sick, but the school run is the stuff of nightmares. I’ve written about it here should you wish to read more about my feelings on the matter.
4. Themed days at school or nursery
As if he school run wasn’t bad enough they throw themed days at you. Last week year 3 had to dress as egyptians, in January… Suggested footwear was sandals…In January….
Then there is world book day, harvest festival, summer fete, the list goes on. It seems like every week you are making (buying / cobbling together) a costume for something or putting your hand in your pocket.
5. Just leaving the house
Before kids you can grab your keys and money and off you go. Leaving the house once you have kids is like a military operation. Nappies, wipes, drink, snack, spare clothes…
6. Going to the supermarket
I have my shopping delivered for a reason. Shopping with kids in tow is just crap. They want everything, or cry all the way round. On the upside, who knew that going to the supermarket alone after kids would feel like a mini-break?
7. Driving / your car
In order to prepare for parenthood I suggest you get the most annoying person you know to sit in the back of your car demanding “are we nearly there yet” on a loop. Chuck in “I don’t need a wee” when you are stopped to be followed by “actually, I need the toilet now” 5 minutes further down the road – you get the picture.
If you are proud of your car – forget it. Once you have kids it is filthy on the inside and dented AF on the outside. I wrote about the perils of a school run car here
8. Eating out
You have great plans for your kids. You won’t go to restaurants where the kids menu is nuggets and chips and your kid WON’T be one of those brats that runs around Pizza Express. I have news for you – you will and they will. Also, don’t tell anyone I told you this, but there is no law against letting them use a tablet to keep them amused while you eat. Eating out can be boring for kids. Just turn the volume down, there’s a good lad.
9. A tidy house
That’s all I have to say on the matter
I have, on numerous occasions, been sat comatose on the sofa while Peppa Pig or some-such plays. Hours I have whiled away before I realise that no child is actually present and I could, in fact, be watching something more appropriate to my age group.
You will also find that you try and fit your entire adulthood into the few minutes between your child(ren) going to bed and you losing the will to continue keeping your eyes open.
Don’t say you haven’t been warned
This post is part of Write Club – where a group of bloggers come together to write an amusing post – please check out the others from this challenge: